Yesterday I had to make the choice to either dwell on the feelings of hopelessness, self-hatred, and shame for my past mistakes, OR to turn to the One who loves me and created me in order to find the strength and hope I need in order to live my life as a new creation. Even though I still have to deal with the consequences of my mistakes and sin, it’s bearable and survivable with God by my side holding my hand. For strength I turned to God’s word and read chapters 43 and 44 in Isaiah. As I read, God spoke to my fears and His word brought peace to my overwhelmed and aching heart.
Me: I’m scared that I’ll just fail and go back to being stuck in the pit like before.
God: Fear not, for I have redeemed you.
Me: I don’t feel like I belong anywhere, I feel lost and alone.
God: I have called you by name; you are Mine.
Me: Sometimes I get so stressed out by daily life situations.
God: When you pass through the waters, I will be with you.
Me: At times I feel so overwhelmed, like I just can’t take it anymore.
God: When you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.
Me: How do I get through this? I feel like I won’t survive.
God: When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned.
Me: Is change possible in my life? Can this battle with addicting and suffocating sin really be won?
God: For I am the Lord Your God, Your Savior.
Me: I feel like a worthless ugly failure. I’m boring, awkward, insecure, weird, and easily forgotten.
God: You are precious and honored in my sight.
Me: I hate myself so much right now.
God: I love you.
Me: I’m scared that I will fail… again.
God: Do not be afraid for I am with you.
Me: I feel so useless, it feels like no one really needs me… or wants me.
God: My servant whom I have chosen.
Me: But I’ve failed too many times already, and I’m so ashamed of all my mistakes.
God: Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.
Me: Some of the things I did were really bad and shameful… Sometimes I feel discouraged because of it.
God: I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.
Right now I’m vulnerable and weak, but more than anything I want to grow spiritually and get stronger in faith and become the person that God created me to be.
“He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:29-31